OLD POST ALERT! This is an older post and although you might find some useful tips, any technical or publishing information is likely to be out of date. Please click on Start Here on the menu bar above to find links to my most useful articles, videos and podcast. Thanks and happy writing! – Joanna Penn
We all have fears that we need to conquer as authors.
Fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, and for some even fear of success.
But for me, it’s fear of judgment – fear of what people will think of my writing and me as a person when they read my books. Do you feel the same way?
On a personal note, my writing is getting darker – or perhaps it was always dark, and now I’m just getting into my stride. After all, Stone of Fire opens with a nun being burned alive on the ghats at Varanasi, Crypt of Bone features the ritual murder of a child in a bone church and Ark of Blood has a scene with ritual sex in a tomb.
The book I have just finished writing, Desecration (currently with beta-readers) is definitely towards the horror end of the thriller spectrum. Within the murder mystery at the heart of the story is a tale of body modification, ritual murder, the art of corpses and a consideration of dualism, whether our physical body defines us. (If you like the sound of it, you can sign up to my J.F.Penn fiction mailing list here).
So I've written dark things before but this is the first time I haven’t censored myself as I write. I've given the dark side of my mind permission to indulge but as I am about to start the rewrites, I find myself on the edge of crossing things out, not because they need editing, but because I don’t want people to read them and judge me for my thoughts.
But then why do we write if not to tackle the fears that others look to us to conquer?
So how do we tackle this fear of judgment?
(1) Use a pseudonym
Many erotica authors use pseudonyms to protect their identities and it's definitely the way to go if fear is stopping you from writing at all. But I want to put my name to Desecration and my other books because part of me wants to acknowledge that these thoughts are mine.
(2) Be strong and steadfast but also surround ourselves with people who understand us.
My husband is fortunately understanding of my desire to visit strange spots when we go on holiday. So in Budapest, we spent our time at the House of Terror where Communists tortured people to death as well as the mass grave in the old Ghetto of the synagogue. In Paris it was the catacombs where the remains of 6 million people lie in macabre underground decorative crypts.
These macabre interests are part of me and so I hope you too can find like-minded people who support your research and career. I can definitely recommend the Alliance of Independent Authors if you want to hang out with people who understand the weirdness of being a writer!
(3) Understand that embracing the shadow side is psychologically healthy
In Jungian psychology the shadow is a critical part of our whole self. Life is not all sweetness and light and there is but a thin veneer of civilization over our ancient animal genetics. Death and fear, violence and sex will always be part of our culture so as writers it's important to embrace that and reflect it in our writing. I am acknowledging the shadow more in my own work, and also feel that when the things we fear are on the page, they have less power over us.
(4) Understand that the book is not you
When people judge your book, remember that they are not judging you as a person. I write of ritual murder, but clearly that’s not what I do in my life, which is mainly spent in libraries and at my computer 🙂 If you hang out on this blog, you'll know I am unfailingly positive and generally very happy! We are all complex creatures, so our work is merely one aspect of our character at a specific point in time.
The easiest way to deal with this is to write another book, because who we are right now changes and the next book is something else again … we morph as our work does, or vice versa 🙂 I find the fear of judgment lessens with every book I put out there, because I can just move on.
Do you suffer from fear of judgment? How do you deal with it? Please do leave a comment so I don't think I am the only one!
Audrey says
I’ve wanted to write about the cruelty I experienced as a child. I’d fortunately had a loving mum and dad, both blind, sadly our secure and happy lives changed when our father James Hopper Nesbitt died sudenly. He was 36. I thare eldest at home was eight years and ten months.
Cruelty became a everyday experience when mum married another blind man; sixteen years her senior. I lost total contact with my fathers family and sunk into years of depression. The last time I’d seen my Nana Nesbitt was the day my Nana sat on my bed and told me my dad had died in the night. I wonder still why my blind stepfather beat his guide dog on a daily basis just as I wonder how the benefit system, now as it did then, lets families down.
I’ve found that writing my story down has helped to sort things out in my head and also hope that it offers others encouragement when life seems not worth living. Thei book I have written is called Searching; fifty shades of sight….this will soon be released as a paper-back as well as an e-book. Please do contact me; if you wish to do so. Thank you for reading this.
Audrey
Debby Gies says
Hi Joanna! I love reading your articles. You pegged it! I think as writers, especially as a memoir writer we instinctively have a fear of what kind of backlash we might expect when speaking what is in our true mind. As for your writing, I would never judge as a reader as to if you are a dark person or not. If I find a book stimulating , it only makes me believe that the author is great at bringing me into the story and has done his/her job of captivating an audience.
Audrey says
If memoir writing isn’t completed then change may never take place.
Ann Victoria Roberts says
I’m not embarrassed about my books or writing – but 20 years down the line I’m still embarrassed about the huge advance I earned as a first-time novelist. And yet it’s a great story! Have had to overcome my hang-ups to blog about it – and to write a the roller-coaster memoir that goes with it. Still remember my mother coming over all ‘Dowager Countess of Grantham’ at the public mention of MONEY!
Audrey says
I feel that, if I hadn’t written our true story down; our triumphant end would never have been known. I will forever feel guilty not stopping my step-father from beating his guide dog despite my only being a child.
Joanna Penn says
I think the days of huge advances are mostly over Ann 🙂 so I’d hold onto that memory!
Ann Victoria Roberts says
They surely are over – peanuts for my last novel!
Francois Houle says
I write character based fiction so I’m not embarrassed about what I write but I do fear publishing a novel that will not be viewed as professional. So I hired an editor and now I’m working as hard as I can to make sure my work will be as good as I can make it. Will I ever publish? Hopefully…if I get past the fear of not being good enough.
Joanna Penn says
The other thing to remember about our books is that over time, we will inevitably get better as writers and we will change as people – our work will mature. Getting the first one out is just the start – but we won’t make it to later books if we don’t 🙂
cd says
It is impossible to write objectively. The essence of writing from the first letter that strikes the page is to develope a thought. Writing is baring the soul, exposing perceptions, making judgements. Forget opinions. Forget judgements. Go for it. Develope your thought with skill and all will be well.
Penny Taylor says
I’m definitely getting over the fear factor. Sure I care about what other people think, but I know such a broad range of people that some are going to like the humor I write, while others will think it’s stupid and shallow. Still others are going to hate the mystery police stuff. I got rid of some of the fear when I was hired as a reporter, but I couldn’t seem to tackle fiction. Then I started ghostwriting. Suddenly I was getting paid to write for other people and it just started poring out of me. Now I’m on to my own things while supporting myself with other people’s requests. Hey. Whatever works.
Penny Taylor says
Oh, by the way, Joanna. Your vacations sound like fun. Can I tag along? 🙂
Joanna Penn says
Glad you like my curious inclinations 🙂 I’ll be going back to Israel soon – there’s plenty of the macabre there!
SJ Hailey says
As I went through the many comments above, you are not alone.
However whenever someone judges your book, you cannot help but feel they are judging a part of you. The book contains little parts of you whether you realise it or not.
I write adventure/action and thrillers, yet I do not build bombs, blow up cities or take hostages.
I have had some feedback asking how I know about all this stuff. I have a simple answer
I read, alot.
So writers feed writers and readers. As they always have
Sally Chippendale says
Hi Joanna. Thank you, you have some wonderful advice. To be honest reading the comments section and realising that plenty of other writers are scared of being judged helps allay some of my fears. I found that starting a blog last year (another food blog, just what the internet needs right?) has helped me to overcome the fear of being criticized. It can be worrying thinking that not only the people currently in my life are reading my thoughts but in particular, people from my past. If I hadn’t taken that step of starting a blog (and putting my photograph on it) I probably wouldn’t be writing my first book. Thank you again for all these helpful articles and posts.
Joanna Penn says
Thanks Sally, and I definitely feel that blogging helped me with my writing – knowing you guys are all out there too made such a difference when I decided to start writing fiction back in 2009. I advise people who don’t know what to do with their life to start blogging – writing always helps us clarify our thoughts.
Alyne deWinter says
Provocative post, Joanna! I’m not afraid of judgement while I’m writing, but of backing off. I think I subconsciously engineer crisis in my life when I need to access deep emotions because they show up on the page almost effortlessly after that.
Having a love of the obscure rather than the popular, I’m more scared of judgement when I publish. I’ve found there for every few readers who love originality, there is one who wants the same old thing, they can’t handle anything experimental and where good reviews are usually short and sweet, negative readers seem to have a need to let you have it by writing entire paragraphs about what is wrong with your book – in their opinion.
There isn’t an art form that doesn’t include constructive criticism, so you have to take those lemons and make lemonade.
🙂
Alyne
Joanna Penn says
‘a love of the obscure rather than the popular’
I’m there too Alyne – and amusingly, I tried to write a crime novel that would be ‘popular’ but it turned into Desecration and everything dark that ended up in it! I don’t think I can write mainstream 🙂 and perhaps, I don’t want to!
Alyne deWinter says
I have a mission, Joanna – blame my Aquarius – to popularize these obscurities. I seek out the lovers the Gothic in pre 21st century style, or older, to resurrect a literary movement where glamours and mysteries, passionate love and the struggle for the soul are strong themes.
But can we make money with these themes, Joanna? There’s the rub.
I am one the Deathly Romaticists…. lol!
🙂
Charles Harvey says
A wonderful post. I guess a lot of writers have this fear, especially if you work a day job and have close ties with family. Such fears cause me to adopt a pen name for some of my erotica titles–even going as far as unpublishing some under my real name and republishing under the pen name. Probably a dumb mistake, because my real name is sort of my brand and the other name hasn’t quite caught on.
Writing is a very unique craft where unlike basket weaving or knitting, something deep and psychological is going on. However we are not the people we write about. I think the act of writing keeps us from being those people. Strangely.
If one breaks it down, family and corporate affiliations (unless you’re high up the ladder and not counting extended family) probably account for less than 100 people. Should we let less than 100 people keep us from reaching thousands? So yes let yourself go and give yourself permmision to explore taboo subjects in all of their sometimes ugliness.
An unsavory character in my upcoming novel The Road to Astroworld molests a little girl. He’s also a serial rapist/killer. Another novel will explore the life of a serial killer. In the Butterfly Killer, the main character says some horrible things about God, Jews, women, and many ethnic groups. He’s not nice, but he is human.
Sometimes ugly things happen in real life. The media’s take and portrait of the perpetrators can be very one-sided. However the fiction writer has the luxury and even obligation to show the humaness of such people. We create characters not carricatures.
So yeah go deep, very deep. Readers might be horrified, but they are compelled to at least glance.
Joanna Penn says
“we are not the people we write about. I think the act of writing keeps us from being those people. Strangely.”
So true – but there are often glimmers of us even in the darkest character – I don’t think we can help part of us leaching into them.
Natalie Shannon says
Thank you Joanna. I write horror and people always think horror writers are crazy and evil. In my book I write about unpleasant things like Lynching and people being hung. I also write about people being set on fire and tortured. I used to worry about what people would think of me if they read my book. I worry what my church will think or what my children’s teachers will think.
Reading your post has helped me a lot. I now have something to tell people if they say I am evil because of what I write.
Gemma Rolleman says
Thanks Joanna for a great post (obviously there are a tonne of us who feel the same way…). I’m applying the finishing touches to my first book and my friends keep asking to read it – I keep making excuses because I’m terrified they’ll hate it! For some reason, it’s easier to send it to random strangers, or my writer’s group, but my friends – I cringe at the thought. I haven’t written it for them – I’d need to change things! They’ll realise how dark and twisted I am!!
Joanna Penn says
Hi Gemma – I think in general that our friends DON’T like our books 🙂
They’ve got to like the genre if they are even remotely likely to enjoy it, so yes, definitely easier to ask strangers (or a paid editor!)
Ester Benjamin Shifren says
The only person who judged a true account in my non-fiction book, Hiding in a Cave of Trunks, was a cousin. Although she constantly requested, I never gave her my book-in-progress because I knew she would say something adverse that could put me off continuing. So, I said, “If you don’t like the book, or disagree, put it down and don’t read it. I’m not actually looking for your approval!”
It took her a while to contact me again, and she has completely changed her tune. My bravery (or bravado?) paid off, and now she has nothing but praise for my writing and story and has recommended it to friends who subsequently purchased. It took courage to write, and gave me courage to carry on!
Elisabeth says
Joanna, this post is spot on. Even though I never think of myself as a people pleaser, there is still that small voice inside that yearns to please. I find myself censoring words to make sure no one could be offended by a scene, and it sort of messes up the tension in some parts. Learning to let oneself let go is one of the hardest parts of writing. That’s why the NaNo Wri Mo was so much fun. It forced the issue of free writing. Thanks for another great post.
Coleen Patrick says
This is exactly what I’ve been feeling since I pubbed my first book. I keep calling the feeling “exposed.” Maybe it’s a writer thing, or that and a combo of being an introvert, but I can’t help but feel that a part of me is always out there, even when I retreat. I never got this with blogging or social media, so it’s new and uncomfortable. I’m glad I read your article, always helps to know I’m not crazy in my feelings. And yes, I agree, the best thing is moving forward and working on the next project. Thanks!! 🙂
Felicity Pulman says
A very insightful post, Joanna! I write for children/YA where the problem of self-censorship is particularly acute. It’s not only the darker side of human nature where you have to tread carefully; you also have to tippytoe around the left-wing orthodoxy that is so prevalent in the arts and among the educators and ‘intelligentsia’ in Australia today. I’ve just completed my first adult novel and found it wonderfully liberating so far as exploring the dark side of human nature is concerned. I’m now trying to find a publisher for it. It’s a fantasy novel, but there is some political commentary at the end, which is set in our world in the future, and which has got me into some trouble among my writing friends (and which I’m ignoring, because in this case I NEED to speak the truth as I see it.) But I also write short stories (mostly crime stories) for adults. One (prize-winning story) was set in a monastery in the past and involved a dual narrative: from the point of view of an abusive priest and the child he was abusing. I believe in the dreams, visions and voices that inspire writers and in this case the story came to me while I was visiting a monastery in France: I needed to tell this boy’s story, and so I did – but to do so I had to get into the priest’s mind and motivation and it was a really horrible experience. I felt tainted and dirty for weeks afterwards. But to me, the story rang true and that’s why I told it.
TheNotebookBlogairy (@NotebkBlogairy) says
Loved this post! Especially the part about the shadow self. I’ve been exploring that aspect of late and while it can be dark it is extremely powerful. Thanks for sharing!
Donna Childree says
I think it’s natural to have all of these fears. I felt like I was jumping from a plane when I announced our launch on Facebook. The following day, my son/co-author and I took off for a day at the museum and celebrated. We celebrated because we have come this far. We did it.
Writing is a lot of work. People will like it, or not. I think it’s important to focus on the positive because no matter what any of us do in life, people are going to have their opinions, and they will not always agree with what we may think is okay. I like a quote that is often attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Let’s not consent!
Enjoying your blog. Looking forward to more.
Persephone Nicholas says
Hi Joanna, this a great post – and really touched a nerve or two with me. Before I wrote my first novel, Burned, I did a course in creative writing with the Australian Writers’ Centre. I remember one of the course tutors talking about creating a character, thinking about the worst thing that could happen to them – and then making it happen. Taking that route, and exploring that darker side, sounds relatively simple but can really help with character and plot development and more. The thought of some people reading those explorations doesn’t always sit comfortably with me but I remind myself that even though there are books I have hated or been repulsed by, my feelings rarely extend to the author. As for embarrassment or self-consciousness, I’m hoping it diminishes the more you publish! All the best…
Jaqueline MANON says
I would only write under my pen name. I only gave my book to 5 friends I have literally known all my life, and yet I was still worried what they think and thought, after I handed them my book, Oh my Lord will they still love me? I was so anxious when they were reading that I lost sleep of what they would think. In future I will never do that again. I will remain totally private. Why create fear for nothing? Why should I make myself anxious for nothing.?