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Many of us have stories to tell from our own lives but memoir is a difficult genre to master. This is a guest post on the topic from Dana Sitar, author of This Artists' Life.
Part biography, part storytelling, part personal essay, part exposé, and even part novel, memoir vexes even the most adept of authors. Because a memoir is so rooted in the personal and emotional experiences of the writer, it can be difficult to approach with the same professionalism that we would apply to our other projects. Yet, we must.
When attempting to turn your great experience into a great book, these are the things to avoid:
Do not use your memoir like therapy.
This book isn't your journal. It's your work. If you're writing a memoir to publish, then you're writing for an audience. Don't spew your stream of consciousness and focus on details that matter only to you. That will create a story that doesn't make sense to your readers or convey the message that you're trying to share.
Instead, focus on the lessons that you learned through the experiences in question. Think about the main point you want to make by sharing your story. How can you best express your point to your audience, so that they can apply it to their own experiences?
Do not worry too much about hurting people.
Of course be nice. But, don't pull punches to the point that it's detrimental to the story. In The Hart Compound, I changed names, tweaked events, and rearranged details to keep from exposing the people who don't want to be a part of the book. But I didn't ignore a good story just because it was potentially sensitive.
Instead, be open and honest with the people around you about your intentions, and they may decide that they're okay with what you're writing. Alternatively, remember that while a few people in your hometown might recognize a character in your book, the majority of your readers have no idea who that person is. If you're serious about sharing a good story, don't get too caught up trying to keep everybody comfortable.
Do not confuse memoir with autobiography.
Memoirs exist to express the essence of a moment in time, not to list a series of events. Don't restrict your story to a front-to-back chronology of how you ended up where you are today.
Instead, hone in on the most compelling moments, memories, and emotions. Rather than focusing on the events of the story, focus on the purpose of it, and steer what you choose to share toward that purpose. Just as you would in a novel, allow yourself to skip time, ignore meaningless events – and get to the good stuff.
Do not make yourself the hero.
Your characters should be as dynamic as the ones you would create in fiction. It can be tempting to paint yourself the victim or the hero of every situation, but no character can be innocent all the time.
Instead, expose your weaknesses alongside your strengths. Sometimes, you have to make yourself the villain. Show where you fail, explain where you fall short, and your readers will appreciate your candor.
Do not try to appeal to everyone.
It's a mistake of any author to try to market to too broad an audience. Don't make your memoir generic in an attempt to draw in the most readers possible. Chances are, your experience is very specific, and if you try to write it for too many different kinds of people, the true point of it will be lost.
Instead, to have the greatest appeal, target a specific audience. Your writing will have a much stronger impact on readers who feel they can relate. (Bonus: Pinpointing your target audience will give your book a fantastic boost when you pitch it for publication!)
Do not wait for the right time.
Memoir doesn't have to be about digging through old journals and photo albums and piecing together memories of a life lived long ago. Don't hesitate to write your memoir because you think you haven't lived enough yet.
Instead, start documenting your life right now. There are stories everywhere. Write a journal, keep a blog, take notes about the life around you. I'm only 26 years old. Instead of waiting until the end of my life to compile my memories, I write autobiographical short stories as they happen, and my memoir is an ongoing series. When a chapter of my life closes, I publish a collection of those stories.
Do not get too attached.
If an editor tells you that a scene doesn't make sense to her – even if it happened in Real Life – it probably won't make sense to your readers, either. Don't ignore vital feedback because you're too close to the events you're writing about.
Instead, step away from the story.
Write your memoir with the integrity of the story in mind. Choose beta readers, reviewers, and editors who have no connection to the people, places, or events in the book – and listen to their suggestions. Be an artist. Write your story. But, don't be stubborn.
About the author:
Dana Sitar is a freelance writer, editor, and blogger in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of the ongoing memoir series This Artists' Life. Her latest title, The Hart Compound, follows Dana on and off the campaign trail with the comedians who ran the 2011 Nick Hart for Mayor campaign in Madison, Wisconsin. The author shares writing advice and anecdotes at her blog by.dana.sitar. You can connect with Dana on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+.
Image: Flickr CC Koru Images
andy says
Great advice! Thanks! I need to learn all the rules of writing my memoirs so that I may break them all!
Cece says
Wow, this is exactly what my English teacher says. “You can break the rules, but first you must know the rules.”
Marie Scott says
Omg! Same my teacher today was like “you got to know the rules in order to break the rules”
Woody says
As someone who just finished a memoir, I cannot tell you how much I appreciated your invaluable tips and advice! Thank you!
Dana Sitar says
Congrats on completing your memoir!
Patrick Welin says
Dana,
Do you feel that some people who read more fiction have a more difficult time comprehending a memoir because of the different structure it follows? I’ve read a few memoirs that were hard to follow because of the flow that I was use to in fiction. What I expected to happen next, never happened in memoir; it was an odd experience. When I started my memoir in 2006, I had no idea how to go about it. I was driving taxi in St. Paul at the time, and one of my regular clients was a writing instructor and career counselor for MSU. Through her, I was led to read specific memoirs, and How To books, which were quite challenging at times – and then I became ill between 2008 – 2011 from the progression of HIV infection. It was in my body for at least eight years before I decided to treat it. I almost died three times during that period. And then a whole new idea of subject matter was in the making of my life story, which could be a better subject to write about – possibly captivating a more specific audience. All that work, and I wanted to start over! I only put out three stories last year, and 200 pages in the prior three years. During all of this, my own depression, addiction, alcoholism, and domestic abuse/neglect from partners distracted me from the process, and my ex-wife said she doesn’t want to be mentioned in my memoir. I think I now know why Salinger barricaded himself away from his family and friends while he was writing, and also why he didn’t write another novel – too many interruptions and a self enforced confinement that probably brought on guilt about his family as well. I woke up this morning thinking that a “combo fiction/memoir” might make it easier in many ways, but also easier to reveal my evil side – we all have one, right? So I went down to the Minneapolis Public Library to Google my option on their computer – then I came across your article. Your article was very concise and easy to grasp, but I suppose all of the other How To stuff I read and all of the writing and feedback I’ve gotten so far helped gear me toward the revelations I experienced reading your article. So, my second question is: Is their such a thing as combo memoir fiction, or is that just considered fiction? Could it be a new venue to explore? Now that I’ve looked over this entire response to you, I’ve found too many subject matters to explore for memoir itself without getting off track writing about another. What do you think? – patrick –
Deborah says
So, I guess my story is not a memoir, but my biography since it contains some astounding events pertaining to my life. Not only did my husband of 33 years walk out of our marriage a year ago (called Sudden Wife Abandonment Syndrome) -but only 4 months later, and still grieving over the death of my marriage, I was called by phone from my brother in NY, and told to sit down, because he had “something shocking and astounding” to tell me.
That was that while he was cleaning out our father’s apartment, since he could no longer live by himself, due to severe dementia, my brother, David found my ADOPTION DOCUMENTS! I am 56 years old, and never knew, but found out all my relatives on my parents side knew I was.
So my story takes another turn, and found out that the mother I thought was my birth mother and fought with her so bitterly, that I had to run away and join the United States Navy in 1979, but my birth mother was French, from Strasbourg,with no father listed on my birth certificate. I even had another name given to me but enlisted the help of a local French teacher who read my French birth docs, and told me it took my new parents, 2 years to officially change my given name to a name more suitable for a daughter of a Rabbi/Chaplain.
Given all of this, and more, what I think you are telling me, is my story is not a memoir, but my biography. I will continue to document my story and journey and plan to get my story published, similar to the movie and book called Philomena.
Best
Kathy says
Don’t give up on writing your story!!!! I’m sure it will resonate with lots of people out there. I have my own story to tell and have so far written 113 pages longhand in my A5 sized journal. I have typed 6,288 words so far and I’m really enjoying the whole process of writing my memoir. I will revisit events in my twenties by going to meet my best friend at the time, my friend Sarah, who used to live in the same house as me in London England back in 1987-1988 and is now living in Rigby.
Cue says
Patrick decided to include a small piece of his book here in the comment section…
Carnita says
I have written a story that is about 90% true and 10% made up. Does this make it a memoir or fiction?
Joanna Penn says
Sounds like memoir to me 🙂
Denis Ledoux says
Carnita and others,
A memoir is the true account of a time / experience in one’s life. Your 10% fiction to ease the telling (or for whatever reason) is akin to lowering the net when you are playing tennis. Yes, you will lob more balls over the net by lowering the net but it will miss the point of playing tennis. When you adhere to the truth—the whole truth—in a memoir, you will find yourself forced to consider and reconsider your lifestory and so come to a new understanding that the 10% fiction permitted you to avoid. The reader may not know the difference (most likely) but you will have missed the opportunity to know your life and yourself in a way that you might have had you not taken the easy way out of memoir writing and opted to “lower the net.” I urge all readers not to avoid 100 truth in their memoir.
Mary says
Thank you I totally agree “TRUTH HEALS” and everyone has a truth to share! My probably is that my story is TRUE but unbelievable to the extent it is hard to read and comprehend what one person can go through. Again, yes it is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth – that sets us free!
Denis Ledoux says
Mary, If you get this, I would suggest that you do two things: 1) One, let go of any attachment to your story being unbelievable. If you write from that perspective your unconscious will make the story unbelievable. In the years I have worked with people, I have heard all the stories imaginable. And.. they are believable. 2) Resort to “show don’t tell.” Create scenes and abstain from drama. You may have a challenge but you do not have a problem! In the time since you wrote, I hope you have been able to draft your story. Good luck to you.
Teressa says
Can you suggest an editor that specializes in Memoirs?
Joanna Penn says
Lots of editors here: http://www.thecreativepenn.com/editors/
Many of them will do memoirs but you’ll need to look through them
Shannon says
There is at least one key person in the memoir I”m writing who might want to read what I’m writing about him before I publish, before agreeing to be mentioned. Is that common and advisable? It seems getting buy-in from the start ensures less problems later, but then I don’t want to open up any editorial comment/control to him. If I say he can’t read it, it strikes suspicion in him doesn’t it? If he tells me not to write about him, do I have to take him out?
Jerry Francis says
My name is Jerry Francis. My bride , Jane, and I have been married for 56 years. While I do have a serious side inside me somewhere, I am still the biggest kid in a large family. I was a NYPD officer for 25 years, and have written many individual stories regarding some very exciting and heartwarming events that occurred in that job during those years. Some are pitifully sad and others incredibly funny. All are true and clearly show humanity at its best and worst. My problem/challenge is that I do not know how to ‘connect the dots’ with these tales. Do I make these writings into a book of stories, or a story book. Is it an autobiography or a memoir. Added to the ‘dilemma’ is the fact that when I embraced the Christian faith, a new way of doing police emerged. I was able to add far more compassion to the ability to discern what was going down at the moment. Hence, I was able to step a little closer into the lives of those that were placed before me, and to look into the hurt and bitterness that was looking back and crying out. Many people do not have, or show empathy the way they should, and are quick to judge. That includes not only officers, but those that would unfairly judge police men and women. Many of the stories address that in one way or the other, and clearly show that cops are very much part of humanity, and as such, they can screw up monumentally. One other thing, though I believe I am a communicator, I can’t seem to grasp anything to do with a computer, or any of the other communication devices. No matter how hard the family tries to help me I just don’t get it. The word zippo comes to mind. Also, I know that I will need at least 3 editors if this venture is to goes forward. lol. Please let me end by saying that this type of endeavor is not about crime solving or anything that most people think police work is about. Yes, these stories have life and death in them, but they often times show the ‘side of police work seldom seen.’ All the best to all the folks involved in their desire to share their lives with others. Jane and Jerry
Rebecca says
My name is Rebecca, I’ve been writing my memoir for a couple year now. I just finished it, so I’m doing research on how to get it published. Because of confidentiality, I have to be careful. I didn’t mention any names or locations. Should I make up names and locations? I’m writing about an experience I had that led to me being disabled with PTSD. My goal is to help others with PTSD and show them that there are other ways to help, other than over medicating . I’m not sure where to go next since I don’t have the funds to go to a professional editor. Can you suggest where I can go next? Thanks in advance.
Marie says
Great advice, Dana, you have a good grasp of this genre. Your opening sentence captures why memoir writing is so complex yet so artful when done correctly.
Esther says
Hi Joanna, I’m finding all this information from you, as well as the comments, very interesting indeed, and I’m making lots of notes longhand for later!
I too am in the process of writing a thematic memoir. The prompt, for want of another word, is the discovery of my handwritten journals written when I was 13 yrs old, all of which contained incredible details of my life that I couldn’t share in realtime, but which proved to be key evidence in a trial. There would have been no conviction or custodial sentence without those diaries, which gives me the notion that a higher power was at play in those childhood days, preserving the evidence for the future me to have justice served, over FORTY years later…!
I’m getting loads of encouragement from friends, supporters and professional writers alike, to write this thematic memoir, not least to give courage to other people who, like me, survived and that it is never too late to disclose and report historic crimes.
What I love about my childhood journals most though is the vivid observations, particularly about nature and the countryside I lived in. And how opinionated my young self was…oh my goodness! And from all the social commentary it would appear that I had my finger on the pulse of national & international news.
So anyway, that’s a rather long-winded way of saying how buoyed up I am by this blog with regard to my own writing , Joanna. I have given myself a 3-year deadline from now to being ready to publish. And that’s despite the fact that I already have about 40,000 words gathered on my laptop over the past 3 years… I guess these things just take time, eh?
Thanks for listening as well as for all the great tips.
All the best
Esther
Nancy Peske says
Excellent advice, Dana!
When I help people seeking to write a memoir, I find that people’s life lessons are universal ones. However, they can be stated in a clever way, inspired by the stories they use to illustrate the lessons. Knowing what those lessons are helps focus the book and keep it out of the realm of autobiography–“I did this and then I did that, and then I took a nap zzzzz.” Getting them to get the stories down is important so I can see the threads that weave them together.
Do you find that you just instinctively know what constitutes a story worthy of telling, even if you don’t know “the lesson” in it yet?
Peter Laffrey says
G’day Jo … I’m an old bloke from down-under … I wrote my childhood memoirs titled “The Barefoot Larrikin” [funny as heck, at least I think so] … My question is; should it contain old childhood and family pictures? … I did put in heaps at the start of each “saga” [on the advice of a friend who edited it professionally] but somehow so many pics just does not appeal to me … Any advice? … Can you email me please? … I’m not crash hot with websites … Cheers … Peter
shakil says
Thanks, this going to be helpful to me.I will keep in mind thanks.
Christopher says
I want to share my experiences with Domestic Violence. I plan on providing the details surrounding my experiences of victimization. Would a memoir or autobiography or another form of published writing be best to achieve this. I care more about telling my story for the purposes of empowering victims and for therapeutic purposes for myself. would e book and or published book be best. What is the best word count. I may face a defamation of character law suit upon revealing my story to the public. Should I consult a PR consultant and or attorney regarding this matter.
Thank you.
Tony Matthews says
Do you think it is best to put photos as they occur in your writing throughout your memoir, at the end of that chapter, or all of them at the end of the book? Thanks.
Joanna Penn says
I think photos are tough in general. In ebooks, they increase the size of your file and so the delivery cost eats into royalties. In print, they don’t look so good unless you do a print run. So beware in general, use sparingly and see how it affects your cost.
Helena C. Kemper says
Hi Dana, your information has been very insightful. I’ve been writing my memoir for the past 26 years, but I guess it has turned into an autobiography. When I first started writing it was my vivid memory of the trials my family and I experienced during Cuba’s revolution during the 1950’s and 60’s. I also shared our life in exile, but then my writing went into abandonment, foster care, death, grief, abuse, anger, divorce, abortion, homelessness, drugs & alcohol abuse, survival, meeting my 2nd husband, children, cancer, carreer, Christianity and finally finding out at the age of 56 that I had been adopted when I was 3 years old. Thinking about all this gives me a headache! My dilemma now is, should I just divide these episodes in my life by writting several books on each subject or should I just leave it like it is as an autobiography and be done with my story so I can start writing on other subjects that leaves me out of the picture? I’ve had two publishing companies & some friends help me edit the whole manuscript. Unfortunately, the first one went out of business and I lost my $2,000 and I wasnt pleased with the second one because they chopped my story in a way that didnt make sense. The parts that my friends have helped me are much better. Since then I have re-edited myself and have changed alot of things in my story but I’m ready to get this book published. Before I send it off to a new publishing company I would like to get your input on my question. Thank you so much for your time! Helena