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Many of us have stories to tell from our own lives but memoir is a difficult genre to master. This is a guest post on the topic from Dana Sitar, author of This Artists' Life.
Part biography, part storytelling, part personal essay, part exposé, and even part novel, memoir vexes even the most adept of authors. Because a memoir is so rooted in the personal and emotional experiences of the writer, it can be difficult to approach with the same professionalism that we would apply to our other projects. Yet, we must.
When attempting to turn your great experience into a great book, these are the things to avoid:
Do not use your memoir like therapy.
This book isn't your journal. It's your work. If you're writing a memoir to publish, then you're writing for an audience. Don't spew your stream of consciousness and focus on details that matter only to you. That will create a story that doesn't make sense to your readers or convey the message that you're trying to share.
Instead, focus on the lessons that you learned through the experiences in question. Think about the main point you want to make by sharing your story. How can you best express your point to your audience, so that they can apply it to their own experiences?
Do not worry too much about hurting people.
Of course be nice. But, don't pull punches to the point that it's detrimental to the story. In The Hart Compound, I changed names, tweaked events, and rearranged details to keep from exposing the people who don't want to be a part of the book. But I didn't ignore a good story just because it was potentially sensitive.
Instead, be open and honest with the people around you about your intentions, and they may decide that they're okay with what you're writing. Alternatively, remember that while a few people in your hometown might recognize a character in your book, the majority of your readers have no idea who that person is. If you're serious about sharing a good story, don't get too caught up trying to keep everybody comfortable.
Do not confuse memoir with autobiography.
Memoirs exist to express the essence of a moment in time, not to list a series of events. Don't restrict your story to a front-to-back chronology of how you ended up where you are today.
Instead, hone in on the most compelling moments, memories, and emotions. Rather than focusing on the events of the story, focus on the purpose of it, and steer what you choose to share toward that purpose. Just as you would in a novel, allow yourself to skip time, ignore meaningless events – and get to the good stuff.
Do not make yourself the hero.
Your characters should be as dynamic as the ones you would create in fiction. It can be tempting to paint yourself the victim or the hero of every situation, but no character can be innocent all the time.
Instead, expose your weaknesses alongside your strengths. Sometimes, you have to make yourself the villain. Show where you fail, explain where you fall short, and your readers will appreciate your candor.
Do not try to appeal to everyone.
It's a mistake of any author to try to market to too broad an audience. Don't make your memoir generic in an attempt to draw in the most readers possible. Chances are, your experience is very specific, and if you try to write it for too many different kinds of people, the true point of it will be lost.
Instead, to have the greatest appeal, target a specific audience. Your writing will have a much stronger impact on readers who feel they can relate. (Bonus: Pinpointing your target audience will give your book a fantastic boost when you pitch it for publication!)
Do not wait for the right time.
Memoir doesn't have to be about digging through old journals and photo albums and piecing together memories of a life lived long ago. Don't hesitate to write your memoir because you think you haven't lived enough yet.
Instead, start documenting your life right now. There are stories everywhere. Write a journal, keep a blog, take notes about the life around you. I'm only 26 years old. Instead of waiting until the end of my life to compile my memories, I write autobiographical short stories as they happen, and my memoir is an ongoing series. When a chapter of my life closes, I publish a collection of those stories.
Do not get too attached.
If an editor tells you that a scene doesn't make sense to her – even if it happened in Real Life – it probably won't make sense to your readers, either. Don't ignore vital feedback because you're too close to the events you're writing about.
Instead, step away from the story.
Write your memoir with the integrity of the story in mind. Choose beta readers, reviewers, and editors who have no connection to the people, places, or events in the book – and listen to their suggestions. Be an artist. Write your story. But, don't be stubborn.
About the author:
Dana Sitar is a freelance writer, editor, and blogger in the San Francisco Bay Area, and author of the ongoing memoir series This Artists' Life. Her latest title, The Hart Compound, follows Dana on and off the campaign trail with the comedians who ran the 2011 Nick Hart for Mayor campaign in Madison, Wisconsin. The author shares writing advice and anecdotes at her blog by.dana.sitar. You can connect with Dana on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+.
Image: Flickr CC Koru Images
Linda Austin says
Excellent points for everyone wanting to write a memoir, for the public or just for family. A favorite point, one I’ve found is particularly difficult for our older generation, is “do not make yourself the hero.” It is important to let our foibles show. Those make us human and let others relate to us better. I’m passing this on. Thanks!
Lynelle Clark says
Thank you for this insight, it will help greatly for the memoir/ teaching piece I am about to write.
BubbleCow says
As someone who has worked closely with many writers who wish to put their life story into book form. My advice would be this:
A memoir is not a ‘true’ recollection of your life it is an edited version of events with a wider message. The key it to decide what your message is going to be before you start writing and then pick events that influence that message. For example, if you wish to show how you overcame hardship through resilience, then events that demonstrate both the hardship and resilience should be included.
Another way to think of this is to remember that events are boring, but how people react to events is interesting. You must therefore pick the events that caused a reaction that will be of interest to your wider message. A good memoir is often made by what is NOT included, rather than what is. For example, if you were bullied at school and felt that this influenced your behavior in later life, then it should be included. However, a story about your first pet should probably be left out.
Finally, you should see the main character in the book as not you, but a slightly fictionalized version of you. This makes it easier to remain detached and to keep wider narrative arc (start, middle and end) in mind
Gary Smailes
Joanna Penn says
Great advice Gary. A memoir is not a diary of events, which is what so many people seem to assume it is. You have to keep the theme focused throughout, and be very careful about culling things that might be precious to you, but may not add to the story 🙂
Amy says
Great advice Gary! Leaving things OUT is definitely key. When I began writing I wanted to much to include EVERYTHING–because I didn’t want an event to go unexplored. What I learned however was to spend time emphasizing what really carried the story along and to avoid getting caught up on details.
Dana Sitar says
Linda, I agree, and think this is the hardest thing for a lot of writers to avoid. I haven’t worried much about sharing my weaknesses, and I wonder if that is a result of starting to share my stories so early on? Maybe the exposure that the younger generation experiences through social media and blogging will help us to be more comfortable sharing our foibles.
LKWatts says
Hi Dana,
As you know, I already follow your blog, as I too, have written a memoir about my backpacking days across Australia. I think your post is great, and I especially agree with point number one. Far too often, I come across memoirs written by unknown authors and the book is just like a journal you would find in a pyschotherapists office. Now, I am not saying people aren’t going to read a book like that but I think to write a truly succesful memoir, your style must be engaging at all times. Your stories must be continually captivating to hold the reader’s interest. If they’re not, you’re unlikely to keep your audience.
mikec (@blogboy2) says
Thank you for explaining memoirs. I especially like the point under: “Do not wait for the right time.” Blogging really is a great way to chronicle life as it happens. I have created eBooks out of a set of blogs. Maybe a memoir is next? Thanks again, Dana
Ty Gray says
Dana is right on which she speaks about not to worry about hurting people. As I was working on my memoir, “23 Days,” about my last 23 Days on the police force that was a major concern of mine. So much that it initially effected my story. What helped me what that I chose to pretend like on my best friend would be reading it. That worked. Now it’s in the editing stage. It is scheduled to be released on Amazon Nov. 8, 2012.
bryan says
oh geez. memoir is not “our story.” i’m nervous. it sounds like we’re trying to “make meaning.” No. I’m 29. What do I know? I write memoir to find out what the rest of you know about me. Read Albert Goldbarth’s “Delft” and then tell me how to tell my own story. It all starts with a flea.
Dana Sitar says
You know a lot at 29! You can start your memoir anytime (I’m only 26…). Sharing your story isn’t about finding the answers to everything or the deep meaning in life; it’s about sharing the story. What DO you know now, at 29? What do these events mean to you NOW?
Sonja van Wyk says
Thank you for an insightful article, and Gary, thank you for comments as well.
I’ve just finished and self-published my own memoir and many of the challenges you mention I had to face, too. Because I am so close to the story, it was difficult to decide what to leave out and what to put in. People are complicated creatures, and sometimes I found myself digressing a bit from the story to tell what I consider an interesting tidbit – sometimes it worked and sometimes it got in the way of the story. So culling was an important part. essentially, I believe, it’s all about the story and the wider message as Gary mentioned.
The other big challenge for me was also not be too afarid to hurt people. I’m not afraid to show my weaknesses, but are some other people in the story whose mistakes or weaknesses they might prefer never to see the day. I wrote what I wanted, with some compassion and provided context, and then when I completed the first draft, I asked for their input and comments, and if they would have preferred me using different names. It worked surpsingly well. Nobody had a problem with it. I suppose it depends on how you present them. Although, having said that, that are people who you can’t make cute or nice even if you wanted 🙂
BubbleCow says
Sonja,
I have found that most writers worry about what they say about other people, and rightly so. The rule of thumb we use is that if the information you put is true, doesn’t cause unneeded harm and is important to the ‘wider picture’, then it should be included.
This said, it is always prudent to remember that people you mention will probably not have a method to counter what you have included in you book. Thus, if including information of a sensitive nature think long and hard.
Gary
Sally Odgers says
Interesting points there! I’ve just been editing a memoir for someone and it was an enlightening experience. There’s a typo you might like to fix though – “hone” for “home”. (Hone – sharpen… Home in – as in a heat-seeking missile)
Dana Sitar says
There is a great discussion here about a Writer’s concern for the characters in her memoir. You guys offer some good guidelines to keep in mind; thank you!
Thomas P. Ramirez says
My memoir, THAT WONDERFUL MEXICAN BAND, is still going around, via efforts of Milwaukee WI agent, Jack Byrne. The story covers the Great Depression as seen through the eyes of a bratty kid (me) and follows my life from age five to eighteen, when I was drafted and left home.
The real hero is my father (Daddy) who came from Mexico as an unlettered 16 year old, fleeing the Mexican Revolution and conscription by Pancho Villa. Along with the kid adventures there is ample presentation of how tough life was during the FDR years. Some of the incidents described are “junking” in the downtown alleys of Fond du Lac WI, a boat I built at age nine, hitch hiking adventures. church and school events. Oblivious to danger, I haunted the nearby marsh, full of hobos seeking employment and willing to travel all over the U.S. to find it–mostly a futile quest. Sad Christmases, movie addiction, my paper routes, county fair fiascoes, pet mishaps, a home made museum, the wonders of our first circus with my kid brothers and sister. Also included, many inspired teachers–God love you, Miss Stanford–Priests, employers, buddies who influenced my life big time.
Too many adventures to describe here. Writing the book awoke me to recognition of the splendid influence of a stern yet comical father, an unyielding, but loving mother, siblings and friends. All in all, a family, an environment, a chain of events that formed my character as it exists today.
And, of course, interspersed with telling information about how tough it was living through those perilous times. It wasn’t for sissies, that’s for sure.
Oh, yes, almost forgot: I scored on every point that Dana Sitar mentioned in her list of rules for writing of a good memoir. Ta-daah!
Lorenzo Martinez says
I just finished a memoir, which is being submitted to editors at the moment by my trusted agent. I’ve started a blog about my journey through the writing of my memoir that I hope will help others. Dana’s article offers great suggestions and I will offer a link to it in my blog.
J Tan says
Just having a read on Writing A Memoir. Found comments full of great tips.
Mary says
My advice to anyone looking for advice on how to write a memoir is “Stop looking and start writing”.
When you have a first draft and are ready to edit and craft your memoir that is the time to look for advice.
Iris says
Great point. Just begin.
jerry says
Not a writer – for the most part, flunked both English grammar and Lit in HS (did manage to get through these subjects in college), but now, some 70+ years into “life” I find a compelling need to tell My Story……..a story that might (or might not, depending on the event) entertain my great-grandchildren and beyond.
To start with, I did not know what a memoir was. I thought it was something written by a former president or celebrity. I then found that, “Hey, anyone can write a memoir.” Now what? I never though of it as statistical bio-graph of ones life, but what is it? Is it a true account of the events in ones life – then wouldn’t that be a biography (or autobiography)? And, it could turn out to be no more entertaining than the stats of a baseball player, huh?
The more I read about how to write a memoir, the more confused I become about what one is – the memoir, not the memoirist. Just what are the specific differences between my autobiography and a memoirs(s) (written by me)? Thinking of me as one with an “accounting mentality” approach to “understanding” (you know, 1+2=3 or black and white are the only two monochromatic colors), how would one “itemize” the differences between memoirs and autobiography?
Merriam says that memoir is “A narrative composed of personal experience…” also, biography is “the story of a real person’s life written by……” and, autobiography is a “biography of a person narrated by himself or herself….”
Bottom line – for me, so far – is that an autobiography can be a memoir but a memoir is not necessarily a biography. Sort of like discussing cord-wood: a rack can be a rick, but a rick is not necessarily a rack – or is it the other way around?
I simply want to pass along to my g-g-g-grandchildren a part of the story of whom they are decedents, seeing as how I was raised by foster parents, and the children of my children do not necessarily carry the blood lineage (I guess that would be DNA in today’s terms?) of my adopted sir-name. So, as long as it is truthful and relatively factual, I guess it makes no difference if it is autobiography, biography, or memoir, does it?
Thanks to all for any feedback. ~jerry
Sonia Nale says
Jerry,
This is possibly the most beautiful thing I’ve read in a while. I am not a famous author. I, too, am just one person with a story to tell.
-Sonia
Lorenzo martinez says
Jerry, visit my blog for more tips on what a memoir is and how to write one.
http://www.Lorenzo-Martinez.com
My posts should clarify your questions.
Shirley says
As someone who has decided to write my memoirs – Autobiography (not decided which it should be) I have found this site very interesting and have picked up a few tips too, never found the answer to my question though, so I am going to ask it; I wondered should I be writing my memoirs from my memories or should I go back in time and write as though it was the here and now????
Shirley 🙂
Mary says
It’s your story so tell it however you wish.
I wrote from memory covering from 1956 to 2012. I recounted one event (the premature death of my sister) that happened in the 1980 through a conversation I had some twenty years later in 2000. In fact I began my story revisiting the mid 1990’s and looking back from that point to the mid 1950’s to my early memories. Although my memoirs cover the whole period of my life they are not a chronological account insofar as I have recounted a dozen or so events within in that time span rather than a year by year account. I suppose I wrote a dozen or so accounts and put them together to make one story.
Regards
Georgie says
Georgie October,22 2013 at 1:32 pm
I can relate to Jerry and Mary. My writing skills are just not what they should be at the age of 49 as well as my grammar. I’ve read a ton of Memoirs, that is my favorite genre. The more I read how to write one the more confused or I should say the more I feel maybe I can’t afterall. My story is similar to Mary’s in that which, it would revolve around the death of a dear loved one namly my Father. Also like Mary’s it would have many parts of my life here and there that would go with my story but not chronological. My point is I don’t even know where to start. I would love to just write it from the way I speak and think. I cringe to think finding out after putting months or a year into it that I should’ve done this or that way. Finding myself having to start over or pick through so much that I might as well start over. Any thoughts anyone.
Mary says
Just write it George. It doesn’t matter if you don’t start at the beginning. It doesn’t need to be defined as memoir autobiography, it doesn’t matter what style it is in or whether your standard of English is good. If you write it your great great grandchildren will be thankful and amazed and won’t care whether it is a perfect memoir. If you don’t they will be none the wiser.
I hope this winter will be my last edit…I over did it last year…but even if I depart this earth tomorrow and my memoir is unpolished my story will be around for anyone who wishes to read it… warts and all such is life..